nerdy & flirty

thoughts on closure

My biggest regret— but my best mistake— was dating the first guy I met from MIT. I’m absolutely certain that I loved him, but I was also terribly young and prone to immaturity. I started dating him before I even got to campus, and it was during the phase where I was just an “entitled” prefrosh who thought I had, and deserved, it all. Deserving and having are two entirely different concepts, and most people who have, don’t deserve, or vice versa. Except, I didn’t realize that.

I don’t want to get into the logistics of the breakup or the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” that I’ve gained from the rest of my dating experience at the Institute. It would be disrespectful to him and what we shared to spill all those details.

However, I do want to say that I forgive myself, and I know that he forgives me also. For the longest time after the relationship, I sought closure. I tried to contact him several times in an effort to get it. I had this silly little idea that if we could talk one more time, we could get everything out there, and I could finally move on. Maybe, this works for some people, but it didn’t work for me. It just made everything worse.

There are some unanswered questions that are supposed to be that way. Finding out details about the past that were unspoken usually adds unnecessary pain, and now I realize that the big question is, if I answer my curiosity, will it really help me? And, the answer to that question is usually not. It’s usually not going to help to hear that someone misses you after a breakup. It usually won’t let you get back together— and even if it does, it often doesn’t last.

You have to find closure from yourself, not from comparing notes. Forgive and move on. Nowadays, I’m on speaking terms with him, but it didn’t happen until I contacted him when I had finally moved on, and when I wasn’t trying to selfishly use him to get myself to this point.

In my experience, closure is the most difficult part of a breakup. And in some ways, it never fully happens. I remember asking one ex if he was “over” me, and he answered, “if being over you means never thinking about you, then no, I’m not even close to over you.” I will never reach the point in my life where I don’t think about people I truly cared about, even if they’re no longer in my life. However, it’s possible to reach the point where you truly appreciate and cherish what you had, but you’re moving forward without the person you cherish.

If you’re thinking that you can get closure from an ex, it doesn’t work that way. It’s selfish to want a friendship for the pure sake of making yourself feel better about the breakup. If you truly cherish what you had, then you have to let your ex go, and learn to love yourself as much as your ex loved you. People make mistakes, so forgive yourself or forgive your ex if you’re the one that’s bitter. Trust me, it’s actually a lot easier than torturing yourself over why the breakup shouldn’t have happened.